JO-ANN’S STORY
My Mom was an alcoholic and my Dad had extreme anger
problems. I grew up without boundaries and without many feelings of love. I was
kicked out of the house at the age of fifteen. I was fortunate in getting a
job, though, and by the time I was sixteen I was working full-time as a nurse’s
assistant at a facility for seniors.
Looking back, I can see my first introduction to the
world of addictions came when I was working as a nurse’s assistant. I had a
patient who passed away on me and that hit me pretty hard. At the same time I
was having a lot of problems with headaches and stress.
One of my co-workers gave me some Tylenol 1 to deal with the pain. I may have
started off taking them for the pain, but before too long, I was taking them
for the buzz. The codeine in Tylenol 1 acts as an opiate - and I spent almost
thirty years taking them regularly. At one point, I was taking up to ten pills a day. I often told myself I was only
taking them for the pain of arthritis and sciatica, but I know now that I was
also taking them to deal with stress.
I got married in 1994.
I always managed to find myself in abusive relationships. I didn’t have
a lot of self-esteem, so I didn’t think I deserved anyone nice. I didn’t do
much better when I was married. I always felt that my husband (ex-husband now)
was more interested in having a baby than in
having a wife, and we seemed to drift apart.
About this time, I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder,
a condition where my moods went from extreme depression to extreme mania.. I
started taking medication to deal with my illness - and it didn’t help that I
was also using a lot of Tylenol 1. They probably kept my prescribed medications
from working as well as they could have.
When my daughter was five-and-a-half and was old enough
to go to school, I wandered into a lounge one day and found myself playing a
VLT machine. These machines have a very voracious appetite for people like me,
and I was hooked from the first moment. It didn’t help that I ended up winning
$500.00 off the machine the first day. It created unrealistic expectations
about how easy it was to win. When I sat down at the VLTs, I didn’t have to
worry about any of the problems in my life. It was like I had tunnel vision,
all I could see was the machine. I didn’t worry about my marriage, I didn’t
worry about bills I had to pay - all I focused on was the machine. I thought to
myself ‘If this isn’t fun, I don’t know what is!’
I gambled
heavily for about two-and-a-half years, and probably ended up losing over $28,000 dollars over that time period. I couldn’t
believe how addictive the experience was. When I sat down at the machines, I
wouldn’t even get up to go to the washroom. Every once in a while I’d look around at the
other people playing VLTs in the lounge. Nobody was smiling, and nobody was
talking to anybody else. They were completely caught up in the same kind of
tunnel vision as me. I always went to
bars where I didn’t expect to see family or friends because of the shame I felt
over what I was doing.
On rare occasions when I would win, I always told myself
I would spend the money wisely. I won $1900.00 one day. **I went home and broke the money up into different piles. One pile
was going to go to rent, another pile was going to go to groceries, another pile
to pay off bills, and the last pile I would take with me to the bar the next day to see if I could win big again on
the Lucky Seven machine. Well, I went through the money I set aside for
gambling, then I gambled the money I set aside for groceries, rent and bills.
By the end of the day, there was nothing left. I just didn’t have the willpower
to stop. Now I know that addiction has nothing to do
with willpower. It is a disease of brain.
One day when I finished losing money at the VLTs, I
realized I didn’t even have enough money to pay the babysitter I hired to look
after my daughter. I was absolutely desperate. I walked to a nearby grocery
store and attempted to rob it by pretending I had a gun in my pocket. The clerk
wasn’t falling for it, though, and he didn’t give me any money. I felt terrible
when I walked away from the store. I thought to myself that maybe if I went
back to the clerk and apologized, he would let bygones be bygones. When I got
back to the store, the RCMP were there taking the clerk’s statement, and they
immediately put me in custody. I came up with a ridiculous story about how I
had been kidnapped and forced to rob the place, but the
police simply weren’t buying my story. They assumed I
had a serious gambling problem but they treated me quite well, though,
and arranged it so that if I went to the clerk and apologized for my actions,
they would drop the charges as long as I stayed out of trouble.
You might think that would have been enough to scare me
straight, but it wasn’t. A week later, I was gambling again, and once again I
found myself broke and desperate. I stole a lady’s purse from the back of her
chair and ran into the bathroom. Once again, the police were called - but this
time they weren’t going to let me off easy. They charged me with the purse
theft, and also charged me with the attempted robbery a week earlier. I was
sentenced to two and a half years, conditional
sentence, plus six months of house arrest, two years of probation, and
100 hours of community service. I then admitted myself
into an addiction recovery centre in Lloydminster.
I stayed at the recovery centre for three weeks, and it
did give me some coping mechanisms and insights into the nature of my addiction
- but it wasn’t long enough or in-depth enough to really stop my gambling
problems. As a matter of fact, I stopped off at the first roadside lounge I saw
when I was released from the centre and started playing the VLTs.
When I got back home to
Edmonton later that day, my soon to be ex-husband had changed the locks on our
doors and told me I was kicked out. This led to quite an argument, and the
police were called out. Once the circumstances were explained to them, they basically
told me that since we obviously didn’t get along, we couldn’t stay in the same
household. Since I already had my bags packed with luggage I had taken with me
to rehab, they told me that it only made sense that I should be the one to
leave. I moved back into my Mom’s place for a few weeks. I talked to a
psychiatrist and a psychologist who were helping me deal with my mental health
and also with the issues in my life. I told them I wanted custody of my
daughter - but they convinced me it probably wasn’t in her best interest. She
was in a stable home with a father who really loved her and cared for her - I
simply couldn’t offer her that kind of stability. I still kept in contact with
her, though. I spoke to her every day and had her stay with me every other
weekend.
I ended up moving into a basement suite with a guy who
had introduced me to more serious drugs. We were mostly using pot to start off
with, but eventually we moved to harder stuff. I stayed with him for a couple
of years, and I started smoking a lot of crack. I didn’t feel I had anything
else to lose, or any lower that I could sink, so I didn’t see any reason not to
use drugs. I used crack regularly for about three years. My family basically
disowned me. They realized I couldn’t be trusted.
I was on social assistance at this time, and that didn’t
pay enough for me to afford the crack I was taking, so I started working as a
prostitute through an on-line dating service. I ended up working as a
prostitute for 2 years, and that brought me up to about the year 2006. By that
point, I had managed to give up gambling - but I was still smoking crack and
working as a prostitute. I simply exchanged one addiction for another. I was in bed one day after a 2-day binge and
it dawned on me that “I have sold my soul. There is no lower I can go. I’m
going to die if I keep this up.” I gave up working as a prostitute and
taking crack that very day.
I had one slip a couple of months later when I wanted to
use crack again. I got in my car to go buy the drugs when I got into a car
accident. The police responded to the accident, and I was given a $2500.00 fine
for not having insurance. I didn’t have the money to pay the fine, so I was
told I could go to jail or be sentenced to 365 hours of community service. I chose to do the 365 hours, then, once again
I was given another choice. I could either go on work crews or take part in the
Changing Paths program at Elizabeth Fry. I chose the Changing Paths program,
and what a difference it has made in my life.
When I first got to the program, I had an attitude and I
was very abrupt with people. It was all about me. I thought to myself “maybe I’ll just do
the twenty days in jail rather than sit here and listen to these people.”
Florence was in charge of the program, and she was extremely patient with me.
We had a lot of one-on-one time where she was able to
listen me.
I felt a little bit like an onion the way she was able to
peel back layers of my life and look at all the issues - starting with my
childhood. I realized that I engaged in a lot of those negative activities
largely because of a lack of self-esteem. I never learned any good values, and
I never thought much of myself. I was still carrying all this pain from my
childhood and had never dealt with it.
I had started off in Changing Paths quite grudgingly, but
eventually I realized I need to be here. I started listening to a lot
more of what Florence and the other people around me had to say. I came to
realize that I am a good person and I have a good heart.
While I was doing my hours in Changing Paths, I went to a
pain clinic and learned how to manage my pain without resorting to drugs like
Tylenol 1. I take pills prescribed by my doctor to help me deal with my
depression - but that is all I take anymore. Florence was
very supportive of me throughout this ordeal, and this made the whole
thing a lot easier to bear.
I had 365 hours to spend in the program, and as that time
drew to a close I actually got pretty scared. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able
to count on her support anymore. Florence
reassured me and told me I would be okay. She said you can always come down to
the Elizabeth Fry building and have something to do on a daily basis.
Florence was very much of a mentor for me. When I
finished my hours, I realized I needed to have
something to do with my life, and she said ‘the world unfolds as it should -
something will come along for you.’ Florence helped me find a volunteer
position at the courthouse, but that didn’t work out for me. A few weeks later, a
volunteer position came up at the clothing room at the Elizabeth Fry Society, and I jumped at the chance to help out there.
I’ve been working in the clothing room and doing odd jobs around the office for
the last two-and-a-half years.
I love my life now, and I love what I’m doing. I’ve got a
sense of self-esteem now, and I realize I have a lot to offer. I’m very
friendly, I love working with people, and I have a great sense of humor. People
often come into the building down and depressed and I can have them laughing and smiling,
sometimes, when they leave.
I am giving back to society
and I have a reason to get up in the morning. I’ve also managed to re-establish
ties with my friends, my family and my daughter. I don’t need gambling or drugs
to be happy. I am living proof that good things can happen.
I live my life by the motto that ‘if you’ve got one
foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, you’re peeing on today!’ I
don’t ever forget where I came from, but I will never go back there again.
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We are honoured to have Jo-Ann as a part of our team, and are touched that she would share her story!
